Mindfulness 102
Intentional and Deliberate
Intention acts as the anchor in all treatments and interventions. It’s even part of setting treatment goals. With meditation and mindfulness intention becomes the tether that keeps the practitioner or client grounded and in the present moment.
Being intentional is one way to set goal. We can do this through creating a mantra. I often ask my clients to let the subconscious do the work for this part. I ask what song they are listening to on repeat, something that they read or saw recently that stands out to them, or we use story building through illustrations in books, tarot or oracle cards, or elsewhere to identify a theme. There are many other ways to set intentions also, which can be explored and identified through the therapeutic process. Being deliberate are the actions and steps we take about and for our intentions.
Behind the Scenes of Mindfulness
By using Buddhist-informed psychology we can begin to understand the principles that inform a Buddhist approach to mindfulness. Compassion, lovingkindness, and the acronym RAIN, which stands for Recognition, Acceptance, Investigation, and Non-identification can become the guiding principles in deeper practices of mindfulness.
Lovingkindness is the wish we have for all mankind to experience peace, joy, satisfaction and all things good. Compassion is the actions we take to relieve the suffering. In other words, “compassion is lovingkindness in action” (from Compassion Works for All). American monk Bhikkhu Bodhi says, “Whereas lovingkindness has the characteristic of wishing for the happiness and welfare of others, compassion has the characteristic of wishing that others be free from suffering, a wish to be extended without limits to all living beings.”
Radical self-acceptance helps us to believe that however we show up in this existence is perfect and exactly as we are meant to show up. Let’s talk for a minute about “demons.” “Demons” are our unthought thoughts, our unfelt feelings, and our unmet needs. When we shame ourselves for our thoughts or feelings – “oh, I’m just being dramatic;” “I shouldn’t be thinking this;” “I should be kinder;” “I’m better than this” – when we ignore them or push them down, those thoughts, feelings, or needs get louder and louder until they cannot be ignored. That is when they become demons, following us around and yelling at us from the shadows. They become the thing we fear most.
Radical honesty is the ability to identify to the self and others our personal experiences. In classic therapy, they are the “I” statement. Radical honesty always begins first with the self. Through increasing the mind-body connection, a person increases their ability to identify their thoughts and emotions. Through radical honesty we share that with others and engage in authenticity and vulnerability. Radical honesty also identifies that our memories, our thoughts, and our feelings may not be true – what they are is important.
The acronym RAIN is a way to help mindfulness practitioners remember much of the aforementioned principles. With R we recognize: name it – this is why psychoeducation is so important and why diagnoses are often helpful for the client; because “if you can name it, you can tame it.” With A we practice acceptance: non-judgement and radical self-acceptance. I is for investigation, which is curiosity in action. And finally, N for non-identification. Or in other words, unattachment to meaning: my thoughts/feelings are not who I am; my thoughts/feelings are not true; my thoughts/feelings are IMPORTANT.
Mindful Communication
Healthy communication is like a garden. It is only going to grow as fast as grows. There are things we can do to help our garden and there are things we do that harm our garden. I have simplified this down to 3 poisons and 4 fertilizers.
Our three poisons to avoid: mind-reading, intent-assigning, and tone-policing. In mind-reading we assume we know what the other person “really meant.” We stop listening to the things the other person is saying and instead we listen to our own beliefs about it. Intent-assigning is a slightly different variation of mind-reading where we assume why a person says or does things. For example, “I know you’re only doing that to placate me.” Tone-policing becomes the red herring of communication in which we focus more on delivery and less on the content. I often tell my clients that as the receiver of communication, their only job is to believe the words that the giver is saying.
Our four fertilizers to encourage a healthy communication garden are radical honesty, the ability to be concise, the ability to validate or, at the very least, repeat what the giver has said, and curiosity. Radical honesty was discussed above. The ability to be concise helps the receiver of the communication to better understand and focus on the important parts. I ask clients to have conversations 2 sentences at a time. They can think of it as the one tweet to get their point across or two bullet points. Now, some people do better when they process out loud. That’s important to know and understand about yourself or the other person in the communication. It is always ok to ask the giver for the tweet or two bullet points they would like to receiver to focus on. That is then when validation and repeating happen. The receiver takes a moment to validate what the giver has said. For example, “I can understand why you would feel that way,” or “I can see this is upsetting for you.” And if the receiver is unable to understand or validate the other person, simply repeating can be just as effective: “What I heard you say is…” (Note that with a statement like this the receiver is also using radical honesty or an “I” statement.) With curiosity, we can convey to the giver of communication that we are invested and interested in what they have to say and what is going on in their experience of reality. By asking questions like, “What is that like for you?” or, “What does that mean to you?” we show our care more deeply.
Clients will often tell me that communicating like this is awkward and weird. Yes, it is. Just like common core math, which is difficult to understand and remember to do the steps in the right order, this is common core communication. By going back to the basics of communication a person relearns healthy habits so that someday they can do communication calculus in their heads.
Mindful Intimacy
Tantric sex is basically sex and mindfulness together. The act of physical intimacy becomes the meditation. This can be done solo, with a partner, or partners. It can be done in any of form of physical intimacy from holding hands to orgasms and everywhere in between. By encouraging people to focus on the pleasure of physical touch instead of the performance anyone can experience deeper, more meaningful, and more nuanced enjoyment of physical intimacy.
Mindfulness in Self-care
Self-care has two criteria and two criteria only:
Are you doing this because you are a person who is worthy of love and care?
Are you listening to your body, and is this what your body wants or needs?
The behavior or action of self-care does not matter as much as the intention (see criteria) and the deliberate actions to meet those criteria.
Try incorporating some of these tips to deepen your mindfulness practice and begin to notice your life change in small and big ways.
