People Who Say No Are Safe People: Why Boundaries Make Relationships Better

Why We Need Boundaries (Yes, Even YOU)

Ever invited a friend for a last-minute coffee or karaoke session, only to hear a polite but firm ‘no’? Ouch. It feels like rejection, doesn’t it? But here’s the truth: their ‘no’ isn’t about rejecting you—it’s about honoring their boundaries. Rejection is tough, whether if it’s someone we just met or a friend we’ve known for ages. But the rejection of a declined invitation, the “no” of “Do you have time for this?”, or even the cutting short of time together are not rejection! These are all ways that we and others manage our boundaries. Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships! Both in the setting of them and in respecting them. Hearing “no” from someone is actually a relationship green flag and a sign of emotional safety.

Let’s start with an unpopular truth: boundaries are not mean. Boundaries are not rude. Boundaries are not personal. In fact, boundaries are one of the most loving, honest, and trust-building things we can offer each other.

So, why do they feel so hard—whether we’re setting them or hearing them?

We are going to talk about why boundaries matter, how to set your own, and (deep breath) how to handle it when someone else tells you “no.”

Spoiler alert: people who say no are safe people.

What Boundaries Are (and What They Aren’t)

At their most evolved point, boundaries are the point at which I am able to love, honor, respect, and celebrate YOU, while doing the same for ME. Boundaries are the invisible rules we set to protect our energy, time, and emotional well-being. Boundaries might include things like, rules about yelling, turning a phone to “Do Not Disturb” after 8 pm, not responding to work emails on the weekend, taking breaks when we need them, saying no when we aren’t feeling up to it, and many more things. Boundaries aren’t barriers—they’re tools for preserving energy, protecting emotional health, and fostering mutual respect.

A boundary is like a personalized instruction manual for how to interact with someone. Think of it as a friendly guide that says, “Here’s how to connect with me without accidentally draining my battery or pushing my self-destruct button.”

What boundaries aren’t is rejection. They aren’t about pushing people away or being selfish. In fact, boundaries help us show up as our best selves in relationships, because we’re not running on empty or pretending to be OK when we’re not.

Unfortunately, boundaries have a bit of a PR problem. Somewhere along the line, we started to associate saying “no” with being unkind. (Let’s blame the people-pleasing epidemic.) But think about it—how kind is it, really, to say yes to something you don’t have the time, energy, or capacity for? Have you ever known someone who says “yes” to everything because they want to be known as the “nice” one but clearly hates it? Maybe it’s the coworker that never says “no,” but complains about all the extra work they must do; or the friend or family member that shows up at all the social gathering but won’t stop talking about how much they hate social gatherings. These are not ways to be “nice.” Stop trying to be “nice” at the expense of your well-being!

Why People Who Say No Are Actually Safe People

Let me share a personal example to show you how saying no builds trust and safety in relationships.

I have two friends that I met in school, while we were studying to become therapists. These two amazing people have taught me the beauty and safety of being told “no.” They are two people that often tell me no – they cancel plans when they’re not feeling well, they tell me they don’t have the mental or emotional resources to help when they’re drained or burned out, and when they do show up, I know that they are ready, willing, and genuinely happy to be there for me in whatever capacity that I need. They know their limits are honest about them. I know with absolutely surety that their yesses are genuine, because they are comfortable telling me no. It is a transformative experience to feel that kind of assurance.

It might feel counterintuitive, but people who say no are some of the safest people you can have in your life.

Here’s why:

1. They’re Honest: When someone tells you no, they’re being real with you. They’re not saying yes just to avoid conflict or because they feel obligated. Their yeses are authentic, and you can trust them to mean what they say.

2. They Value Themselves—and You Too: A no often means, “I care enough about myself to protect my energy—and I care enough about you to be honest.”

 3. They’re Predictable: Safe people are consistent. They don’t overcommit and then flake out. They don’t say yes and secretly resent you. They’re clear, and that clarity creates trust.

Think of it this way: Would you rather have a friend who occasionally says no, or one who says yes to everything and then ghosts you when it matters?

Managing Your Own Boundaries Like A Pro

Setting boundaries isn’t easy, especially if you’re used to saying yes to everything and everyone. But it’s a skill worth practicing – and anything worth doing, is worth doing poorly, including managing boundaries. Here’s how to get started:

1. Know Your Limits

Take a moment to reflect on what drains your energy. Is it saying yes to too many social plans? Overcommitting at work? Spending hours in group texts about what to order for dinner? Start noticing where you feel stretched too thin.

2. Start Small

You don’t have to start by saying no to your boss or your in-laws. Practice in low-stakes situations, like declining an invite to a random Tuesday night event or leaving said event early. And keep practicing! You can build up to the big things.

3. Use Friendly Phrasing

Boundaries don’t have to sound harsh. You can say, “I’d love to help, but I don’t have the bandwidth right now,” or “Thanks for thinking of me, but I’ll have to pass this time.” Adding warmth to your delivery can help soften the blow for both you and the other person.

4. Expect Discomfort

Here’s the truth: setting boundaries can feel awkward, especially at first. You might worry about disappointing people or feel a twinge of guilt. That’s OK. Discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—it means you’re growing. It’s ok to be nervous. I teach people how to set boundaries all day, every day, and I still get nervous on occasion when I have to set a boundary or tell someone no. You can do it!

Respecting Others’ Boundaries Without Taking It Personally

Someone else’s boundaries is not a reflection of you or of your important to them. Now say it out loud: “Other people’s boundaries are not a reflection of me or my importance to them.” The boundaries that other people set are about them – it’s about what they need to feel safe and secure in this world. And how lucky are you that they trust you help them with that!

It’s natural to feel a little hurt or disappointed when you hear a no, but that doesn’t mean you’re unimportant—it just means the other person is taking care of themselves. Let’s be real: hearing “no” can sting. Our inner toddler immediately wants to stomp their foot and yell, “But whyyyyy?” Know this: Learning to handle someone else’s boundaries gracefully is just an important as setting your own. I’m going to repeat that for you, because I want you to remember it:

Learning to handle someone else’s boundaries gracefully is just an important as setting your own.

Here’s how to navigate it like a champ:

1. Pause Before Reacting

When someone sets a boundary, take a moment to process it. Resist the urge to take it personally—it’s not about you, even if it feels that way.

2. Ask for Clarity (If Needed)

If the boundary isn’t clear, it’s OK to ask for clarification. Just don’t pressure the person to change their mind. For example, “Got it—thanks for letting me know. Let me know if there’s a way we can adjust this in the future.”

3. Show Gratitude

Thank the person for their honesty, even if their no is disappointing. A simple, “Thanks for letting me know,” goes a long way in showing you respect their needs and creates a safe place for both of you for more boundary setting. Gratitude is a magical little thing that we can do that literally changes our brains. It sets us for success in the future by reminding us that the honesty associated with healthy boundaries is how we build safety and security in our relationships.

4. Move On Gracefully

Don’t dwell on it, guilt-trip them, or make it weird. Accept the boundary and adjust your expectations. And remember, just because your coworker doesn’t want to join your trivia team doesn’t mean they’re plotting your demise!

The Big Picture – Boundaries Build Better Relationships

Here’s the magic of boundaries: they strengthen relationships, they don’t weaken them. When people feel safe to say no, they’re more likely to show up authentically. And when you respect someone’s no, you show them that their needs matter to you.

Imagine a world without boundaries. Everyone says yes to everything, all the time. Chaos ensues. Resentments build. Relationships fall apart. Boundaries are what keep us from imploding—and they pave the way for trust, respect, and connection.

So, the next time someone tells you no, try reframing it. Instead of seeing it as rejection, see it for the beautiful thing it is : a sign that this person respects themselves—and you—enough to be honest. Every “no” someone says makes their “yes” more meaningful—and isn’t that what we all want?

Becoming a Boundaries Cheerleader

Boundaries aren’t walls that shut people out; they’re bridges that help us connect in healthier, more sustainable ways.

Your challenge for the week:

1. Say no—just once. Start small and notice how empowering it feels to honor your needs.

2. When someone sets a boundary with you, thank them for their honesty. Let them know you respect their courage to prioritize themselves.

Every no paves the way for more authentic yeses, and that’s the foundation of any great relationship.

And remember, people who say no are safe people. Celebrate their boundaries—and yours.

Tell Me Your Story

In the pursuit of processing trauma and improving mental health, telling your story is a vital component. It’s so important we have a name for it: Narrative Therapy.

The tale of telling my story began in childhood. The earliest story I remember writing was around age ten. It was a story about my friends and me. It wasn’t factual, but rather the stories and scenarios I made up. I gave myself a different name because I had often been teased about my name. It was a way for that childhood version of myself to begin to explore who I was and who I wanted to be. That story has been lost to time, but I think of it periodically.

Early in my childhood, I was also given a journal. I spent years dutifully and regularly journaling. Most of those early entries were the accountings of day-to-day life of an adolescent me. I’ve gone back and read through some of those journals. For the most part, there are stories of interacting with friends and family. Sometimes, I find stories about my dreams and hopes for my life; occasionally, I find entries full of the kind of righteous indignation that only an angsty teenager can produce. And other times, there are entries filled with the heartache and trauma of fighting to be seen, heard, and understood.

As technology and information exchange evolved, the kind of story telling I engaged in also evolved. The early 2000’s was filled with blogging about being a wife and mother and my stories became tailored for public reading. While I wasn’t quite so raw and vulnerable, those stories are archived and still continue to be cherished.

Around 15 years ago, I experienced trauma and heartache like I had not experienced previously, and I found my story telling evolved again. I started my own therapeutic journey and discovered a safe place in the therapeutic relationship with my counselor to tell the stories I had never been able to tell before. Through the different courses of therapy, I found a strength and relief of sharing the most vulnerable parts of myself. Soon after, I started sharing my story more publicly. I told parts of my story to trusted friends and family. Sometimes, my story was honored and cherished. Sometimes, it wasn’t. In the times that my people sat with me and held space for my grief and pain, I found soul-deep connection and healing that I didn’t know was possible.

I began writing again and this time, it was to tell the deepest and darkest parts of my story. I didn’t know who would read it or if anyone even wanted to read my story. But I wrote it, and people did read it, and then, they began telling me their stories. I discovered a human experience that writers have expressed over and over again. Carl Rogers (the father of person-centered therapy) described it in his book, On Becoming a Person as such: “what is most personal and unique in each one of us is probably the very element which would, if it were shared or expressed, speak most deeply to others.” Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love expressed in her book Big Magic, that storytelling is both an act of creativity and survival, and quoted the Gospel of Thomas when she said, “Not expressing creativity turns people crazy… ‘If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you don’t bring forth what is within you, what you don’t bring forth will destroy you.’” Audre Lorde, in her essay The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action told us, “I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.” Natalie Goldberg, in Writing Down the Bones, said, “In knowing who you are and writing from it, you will help the world by giving it understanding.” I fully believe that there is no human experience so unique that there is not at least one person out there who can understand, empathize, and truly see you. We find those people by telling our stories. And Sue Monk Kidd in Dance of the Dissident Daughter shared her experience of finding community through stories: “…we began to meet regularly to talk about our lives as women… It became a mutual process of self-discovery… Together, over time, we named our lives as women, named our wounds, named our sacred realities. To say it simply, we helped each other.

When I began the last year of my undergraduate degree, I was faced with the decision of what to do post-graduation. Prior to my experiences with devastating trauma, I had been considering getting a PhD in social psychology. After experiencing trauma though, I decided that getting a PhD was no longer an option for the time being. It wasn’t an easy decision to make, but I had seen over and over how short and fragile life was, and I needed to consider the time and energy of commitments in a way that I had not needed to before. I had to mourn the loss of that future though, the one in which people called me “Dr.” This was in addition to the many other losses I was facing and had faced. I considered many different education options including teaching, law, art and design, and more. Somewhere along the decision-making process it occurred to me that I had spent so much of my life focused on stories. I had fallen in love with the human experience and all the stories that make up who and what we are.

I had embedded deep within my own personal theory on happiness and fulfillment the idea that all of these people had described: Our stories are important. The answer for what I wanted to do with my life, what I would be good at, and what I would enjoy day in and day out, was facilitating others in telling their stories. The therapeutic process can look so many different ways. What I have experienced myself and seen over and over again, is that healing and strength happen through the process of telling your story – whatever that story may be.

Mindfulness 101

At its most basic premise, mindfulness is the ability to notice: notice what is happening in your mind and body, what is happening in your environment, and how your mind and body are interacting with your environment. Mindfulness is not about changing. Mindfulness is about observing.

Mindfulness can be applied in every aspect of a person’s life and will help every intervention. It is truly the magic pill that you take every single day to help you to more fully experience and appreciate your existence.

How is Mindfulness Different Than Meditation?

Mindfulness is not the same as meditation. Meditation is one way to develop mindfulness.

“A lot of people teach meditation as if the goal is the treat your mind like an unruly teenager and make it shut up…” (David Nichtern in Midnight Gospel).

This is not the case! Mindfulness is about observing those thoughts as they come up, and then practicing bringing your attention back to the present moment.

Mindfulness can be thought of as dynamic meditation that is applied to everything as opposed to static meditation that is done for a set amount of time with a beginning and an end.

Why Mindfulness?

In the act of noticing, we deconstruct and reduce the functions of the mind and the body to smaller parts. In directing attention to the space in between, a person begins to see the functions “as they truly are: just physical and mental qualities or phenomenon … that come and go according to certain conditions. When we see them as such, they lose their hold over us” (Rupert Gethin in Handbook of Mindfulness).

Gethin describes mindfulness as remembering. Like the scripture, “Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits” (Psalm 103:2), mindfulness is also a practice of gratitude. Christians are often reminded, as young children even, to always remember their blessings as a way to encourage and promote happiness. Mindfulness encourages experiencing life and your surroundings as they happen and finding satisfaction in the moment.

Through mindfulness we can cultivate enjoyable moments, leading to enjoyable memories, which in turn cultivates enjoyable existence. Even as this moment happens, it immediately becomes a memory. If we can notice and be aware of those things that are enjoyable or satisfactory, we can cultivate joy and satisfaction in our memories. And as we work to understand the notion of “self,” or the idea of who we are in relation to the world around us, each passing moment becomes something to remember.

All memories are made up, so why not make up the best ones you can?

Buddhist Psychology

Buddhism emphasizes contentment as a pathway to peace and happiness and offers mindfulness as the roadmap to get there. As Gethin points out, mindfulness therapies today “point to Buddhist traditions of mindfulness as a significant source and inspiration [and] modern therapeutic and scientific discussions of mindfulness claim a connection with traditional Buddhist discourse.”

With any technique is important to understand and feel comfortable with the theory and intention guiding the technique. Techniques are useful, even necessary, but they are not the whole picture. Perfect technique is not the goal in mindfulness; the goal is peace of mind, happiness, and contentment.

Finding Balance

In mindfulness we practice radical self-acceptance. We accept and honor every thought or feeling as important. Every thought, feeling, or mood is not necessarily true or accurate, nor permanent, and does not need to lead to any action. If we think of them instead of rocks being added to a counter-balance scale, we recognize the need to find balance between healthy and unhealthy, helpful and unhelpful, and distressing and enjoyable.

A person’s greatest hurdle to growth is the fear of authenticity and vulnerability. When we show ourselves in our entirety – the prideful and the shameful – we stand completely exposed and at risk of the ultimate rejection. That precipice is where the counselor or therapist waits to embrace the client.

This is also where dialectics are helpful. By eliminating “but” from our vocabulary and replacing it with “and” we train our brains to begin holding conflicting thoughts or feelings as both being true and/or important.

Polyvagal and Fight-Flight-Freeze Response

When we go into fight/flight/freeze our pre-frontal cortex, which is responsible for logical, rational, higher thinking, goes offline and we begin responding from our amygdala, or lizard brain. We become like the feral animal cornered and fighting for our life. A healthy individual will jump into the shallow end of fight or flight every day. When our car gets cutoff on the freeway or when we walk around a corner and are startled by someone. These happen every day and a healthy system jumps into fight or flight, can tolerate it, and then quickly self-regulates back to “green.” An unhealthy system will jump into fight or flight and then find themselves stuck. When fight or flight becomes too much, the system goes into freeze.

Studies show there are four things, which when done consistently, help a person to tolerate and self-regulate. They are proper nutrition (don’t forget hydration for us desert-dwellers), exercise (moving your body every day for the sake of moving your body), sleep (quality and quantity), and mindfulness.

There are several ways to reengage the prefrontal cortex when it goes offline. The three most effective ways I have found are curiosity, connection, and mindfulness. To use curiosity, think of yourself as an anthropologist to yourself. What are the physiological responses in your body? What triggered these responses? When did this begin? And so on. Connection happens to other living things, first people, then animals, then nature. When we connect to and feel the connection with other living things, we use empathy and reconnect to our higher selves through the prefrontal cortex. And finally, through mindfulness exercises like body scans, progressive muscle relaxation, 4-7-8 breathing, and numerous other ways, we also reengage the prefrontal cortex and work towards decreasing arousal and back to “green.”

How-to

Any meditation practice often feels overwhelming for the novice. I often hear that meditation doesn’t work because of ADHD, time, children, and on and on. Teaching mindfulness to the beginning practitioner should feel easy. I always start with 1-2 minutes of slow, focused breathing a day.

Slow, focused breathing is a great way to build habits which will help in all areas of mental health treatment and general physical and mental well-being. A habit of intentional and deliberate breathing builds mind-body connection which helps to identify thoughts, feelings, and needs before they become demons; builds the habit of slowing down; and builds the habit of checking in with the self, which also increases intuition.

In teaching mindfulness to beginners, I most often teach them the basics of slow, focused breathing and encourage them to do it anytime and anywhere. Basic, easy to remember tips help the beginner to feel as if mindfulness habits are easily accessible.

Start with 1-2 minutes a day, 5.5 breaths a minute for a 12 second breath cycle. If a person is anxious, a longer exhale by a couple seconds will help to calm the system down. If a person is depressed or needs a boost of energy, a longer inhale by a couple seconds will help to excite the system. Slowly building up the number of minutes and frequency of this practice builds the neural pathways and makes for stronger habits.

This is generally where I also tell people that there is no right or wrong way to do this. If someone is having trouble focusing on their breath and often finds they mind wandering, practice radical self-acceptance and non-judgement. Thoughts are only to be noticed and observed. Like clouds in the sky, thoughts come and go. Notice them and then come back to your breath.

Mindfulness 102

Intentional and Deliberate

Intention acts as the anchor in all treatments and interventions. It’s even part of setting treatment goals. With meditation and mindfulness intention becomes the tether that keeps the practitioner or client grounded and in the present moment.

Being intentional is one way to set goal. We can do this through creating a mantra. I often ask my clients to let the subconscious do the work for this part. I ask what song they are listening to on repeat, something that they read or saw recently that stands out to them, or we use story building through illustrations in books, tarot or oracle cards, or elsewhere to identify a theme. There are many other ways to set intentions also, which can be explored and identified through the therapeutic process. Being deliberate are the actions and steps we take about and for our intentions.

Behind the Scenes of Mindfulness

By using Buddhist-informed psychology we can begin to understand the principles that inform a Buddhist approach to mindfulness. Compassion, lovingkindness, and the acronym RAIN, which stands for Recognition, Acceptance, Investigation, and Non-identification can become the guiding principles in deeper practices of mindfulness.

Lovingkindness is the wish we have for all mankind to experience peace, joy, satisfaction and all things good. Compassion is the actions we take to relieve the suffering. In other words, “compassion is lovingkindness in action” (from Compassion Works for All). American monk Bhikkhu Bodhi says, “Whereas lovingkindness has the characteristic of wishing for the happiness and welfare of others, compassion has the characteristic of wishing that others be free from suffering, a wish to be extended without limits to all living beings.”

Radical self-acceptance helps us to believe that however we show up in this existence is perfect and exactly as we are meant to show up. Let’s talk for a minute about “demons.” “Demons” are our unthought thoughts, our unfelt feelings, and our unmet needs. When we shame ourselves for our thoughts or feelings – “oh, I’m just being dramatic;” “I shouldn’t be thinking this;” “I should be kinder;” “I’m better than this” – when we ignore them or push them down, those thoughts, feelings, or needs get louder and louder until they cannot be ignored. That is when they become demons, following us around and yelling at us from the shadows. They become the thing we fear most.

Radical honesty is the ability to identify to the self and others our personal experiences. In classic therapy, they are the “I” statement. Radical honesty always begins first with the self. Through increasing the mind-body connection, a person increases their ability to identify their thoughts and emotions. Through radical honesty we share that with others and engage in authenticity and vulnerability. Radical honesty also identifies that our memories, our thoughts, and our feelings may not be true – what they are is important.

The acronym RAIN is a way to help mindfulness practitioners remember much of the aforementioned principles. With R we recognize: name it – this is why psychoeducation is so important and why diagnoses are often helpful for the client; because “if you can name it, you can tame it.” With A we practice acceptance: non-judgement and radical self-acceptance. I is for investigation, which is curiosity in action. And finally, N for non-identification. Or in other words, unattachment to meaning: my thoughts/feelings are not who I am; my thoughts/feelings are not true; my thoughts/feelings are IMPORTANT.

Mindful Communication

Healthy communication is like a garden. It is only going to grow as fast as grows. There are things we can do to help our garden and there are things we do that harm our garden. I have simplified this down to 3 poisons and 4 fertilizers.

Our three poisons to avoid: mind-reading, intent-assigning, and tone-policing. In mind-reading we assume we know what the other person “really meant.” We stop listening to the things the other person is saying and instead we listen to our own beliefs about it. Intent-assigning is a slightly different variation of mind-reading where we assume why a person says or does things. For example, “I know you’re only doing that to placate me.” Tone-policing becomes the red herring of communication in which we focus more on delivery and less on the content. I often tell my clients that as the receiver of communication, their only job is to believe the words that the giver is saying.

Our four fertilizers to encourage a healthy communication garden are radical honesty, the ability to be concise, the ability to validate or, at the very least, repeat what the giver has said, and curiosity. Radical honesty was discussed above. The ability to be concise helps the receiver of the communication to better understand and focus on the important parts. I ask clients to have conversations 2 sentences at a time. They can think of it as the one tweet to get their point across or two bullet points. Now, some people do better when they process out loud. That’s important to know and understand about yourself or the other person in the communication. It is always ok to ask the giver for the tweet or two bullet points they would like to receiver to focus on. That is then when validation and repeating happen. The receiver takes a moment to validate what the giver has said. For example, “I can understand why you would feel that way,” or “I can see this is upsetting for you.” And if the receiver is unable to understand or validate the other person, simply repeating can be just as effective: “What I heard you say is…” (Note that with a statement like this the receiver is also using radical honesty or an “I” statement.) With curiosity, we can convey to the giver of communication that we are invested and interested in what they have to say and what is going on in their experience of reality. By asking questions like, “What is that like for you?” or, “What does that mean to you?” we show our care more deeply.

Clients will often tell me that communicating like this is awkward and weird. Yes, it is. Just like common core math, which is difficult to understand and remember to do the steps in the right order, this is common core communication. By going back to the basics of communication a person relearns healthy habits so that someday they can do communication calculus in their heads.

Mindful Intimacy

Tantric sex is basically sex and mindfulness together. The act of physical intimacy becomes the meditation. This can be done solo, with a partner, or partners. It can be done in any of form of physical intimacy from holding hands to orgasms and everywhere in between. By encouraging people to focus on the pleasure of physical touch instead of the performance anyone can experience deeper, more meaningful, and more nuanced enjoyment of physical intimacy.

Mindfulness in Self-care

Self-care has two criteria and two criteria only:

1. Are you doing this because you are a person who is worthy of love and care?

2. Are you listening to your body, and is this what your body wants or needs?

The behavior or action of self-care does not matter as much as the intention (see criteria) and the deliberate actions to meet those criteria.

Try incorporating some of these tips to deepen your mindfulness practice and begin to notice your life change in small and big ways.

Mindful Communication

Healthy communication is like a garden. It is only going to grow as fast as grows. There are things we can do to help our garden and there are things we do that harm our garden. I have simplified this down to 3 poisons and 4 fertilizers.

Our three poisons to avoid: mind-reading, intent-assigning, and tone-policing. In mind-reading we assume we know what the other person “really meant.” We stop listening to the things the other person is saying and instead we listen to our own beliefs about it. Intent-assigning is a slightly different variation of mind-reading where we assume why a person says or does things. For example, “I know you’re only doing that to placate me.” Tone-policing becomes the red herring of communication in which we focus more on delivery and less on the content. I often tell my clients that as the receiver of communication, their only job is to believe the words that the giver is saying.

Our three fertilizers to encourage a healthy communication garden are radical honesty, the ability to be concise, the ability to validate or, at the very least, repeat what the giver has said, and curiosity. Radical honesty is the ability to identify to the self and others our personal experiences. In classic therapy, they are the “I” statement. Radical honesty always begins first with the self. Through increasing the mind-body connection, a person increases their ability to identify their thoughts and emotions. Through radical honesty we share that with others and engage in authenticity and vulnerability. Radical honesty also identifies that our memories, our thoughts, and our feelings may not be true – what they are is important. The ability to be concise helps the receiver of the communication to better understand and focus on the important parts. I ask clients to have conversations 2 sentences at a time. They can think of it as the one tweet to get their point across or two bullet points. Now, some people do better when they process out loud. That’s important to know and understand about yourself or the other person in the communication. It is always ok to ask the giver for the tweet or two bullet points they would like to receiver to focus on. That is then when validation and repeating happen. The receiver takes a moment to validate what the giver has said. For example, “I can understand why you would feel that way,” or “I can see this is upsetting for you.” And if the receiver is unable to understand or validate the other person, simply repeating can be just as effective: “What I heard you say is…” (Note that with a statement like this the receiver is also using radical honesty or an “I” statement.) Another part of validation is curiosity. With curiosity, we can convey to the giver of communication that we are invested and interested in what they have to say and what is going on in their experience of reality. By asking questions like, “What is that like for you?” or, “What does that mean to you?” we show our care more deeply.

Clients will often tell me that communicating like this is awkward and weird. Yes, it is. Just like common core math, which is difficult to understand and remember to do the steps in the right order, this is common core communication. By going back to the basics of communication a person relearns healthy habits so that someday they can do communication calculus in their heads.

Some more resources to help:
I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better by Gary and Joy Lundberg
Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton